One week down!

Day seven of Whole30 and a full week at the gym. I’m pretty happy with my results so far. I’m hungry. I won’t like about that. I miss candy and soda. I’m tired of drinking water and eating my weight in veggies. I’m also super tired all the time. But that could be from my ridiculous schedule. For example, today I did the gym, I’m getting ready to go to class, after that I am going to see Hollywood. Not sure if I’ll ride. The grounds kind of wet out. Then I’ll run home and shower before going back to the school to meet my advisor about classes next semester, and then I work till 9:30. When I get home I’ll do a little homework then get a few hours sleep before back to the gym at 5 am.

Speaking of the gym, Jess came with me yesterday! She always told me she wouldn’t. That she hates gyms. That she feels like everyone is staring at her. Well she said she’d go but she wasn’t leaving the bike. That’s fine. If you wanna come with me and ride the bike for an hour I’m game. I was just excited she was willing to try. Well it was actually me that had to drag her out of the gym last night. She loved it. I’m very excited about this. We have pretty much nothing in common except we love to explore new places and new foods and watch movies. Which still makes for fun dates. We love to travel and both want to see the world. Which is awesome. But during the day to day we have little in common. I’m excited to share this with her. I’m still learning the gym but my ex was a personal trainer so I kept a little knowledge that she gave me.

I can’t wait till whole30 is over. I just want a piece of damn toast with my eggs in the morning. But I hope that my eating habits will carry over and I don’t go back to my shitty eating ways.


One week apart. Not a huge amount of progress but I do see a little bit. Posting pictures of my health journey is scary. So I’m doing it.29791790_10213877097893986_2167050791196136575_n


Good Thing I Love My Dog

Did you know that an Aussie can outrun a car going 40 mph when they are in full run? I didn’t either until today! Dory is usually pretty good. I have never had a problem with her not coming when called before. She is a very intelligent responsive dog. I have been slowly letting her off leash. I needed to run out to the car so I let her out with me. She gave me a look and then bolted. Up my street. Down the next side street. Like a bullet shot from a gun.

I got in my car and chased her. I had to have been going 40 mph screaming at her driving down my neighborhood on Easter Morning. She suddenly stopped and looked at me like “Oh, hey mom!” and happily trotted to me and hopped in the car. I could have killed her.

And then when I got back home and got her out of the car she dropped to the ground and rolled on her back and wrapped her legs around my arms and refused to get up. Jess actually ended up carrying her inside. I kinda wish I had video. She is in so much trouble.

I’m still trying to figure out why she did it. She wasn’t chasing anything. At least not that I could see. I think it could be because of the new kitten and she is feeling left out. Gabriel things its so she could have a car ride. Either is possible. She is so damn smart. Either way she is in SO much trouble.

Day 3

Day 3 of Whole30 is almost over. So far it has been a tough ride full of temptations and being very hangry. I’ve been arguing more with Jess, I snapped at a coworker today and I never yell. Granted she was driving me crazy and I told her to go on her break cause she kept asking over and over. But I didn’t mean to snap at her exactly.

Tonight I feel a little better. Jess got us a Nutribullet and it is absolutely amazing. Even Gabriel had a smoothie before bed. It is a total game changer. I cant wait to try to incorporate some kale or spinach into it and see how well i mask the taste.

I’ve eaten so many eggs its not even funny. But they fill me up and I always have hard boiled ones for convenience. My biggest obstacle right now is I tend to eat when I’m bored. It’s almost midnight, I’m winding down from work and from putting eggs all over the place. This is when I would pick up the junk food or ice cream or chips and veg out in front of the tv. I’m going to finish my smoothie and then hopefully crawl into bed. I may have one more egg to hold me over. I’m fairly active so I tend to eat lots of small meals throughout the day.

Aside from the hunger I am feeling great. I don’t have an ounce of vertigo, which I have struggled with for years. I am more energetic, more alert. I feel like I am fueling my body properly. And it is fantastic.

Only 27 more days to go. I’ve got this!


Have any of you tried this crazy little diet? It’s insane. A month of nothing processed, no sugars, sweets, dairy, grains, carbs. Nothing. Pretty much nuts, meat, veggies, and fruits. I started it yesterday. What I have taken away from it is that I am hungry! All the time.

I do not plan on being super strict. Like the diet says 3 meals a day, 4 if you exercise and then like small snacks a few times a day. I’m gonna eat when I am hungry. I’m putting good food into my body so I am not worried about portion size. I used to eat like shit. So the fact that I am eating incredibly healthy will still gain me results.

We went grocery shopping yesterday and it was painful. Absolutely painful. We went to 2 of the organic stores near us (not much variety on boring Cape Cod) and didn’t end up getting much cause there wasn’t much to get. I made chicken and broccoli last night but I couldn’t put it over anything. I ordered a cookbook that should be arriving tomorrow so that will help with meal planning. It was good, just very plain. Then I got to watch as Jess drank coffee. Which I can’t have because I don’t enjoy it black. But for the most part she’s pretty on board with trying all the foods I am eating and she’s incredibly supportive. Which is helpful. I have a group of friends that are all trying it with me. My Rodan & Fields tribe (Yup I have 3 jobs. I am always tired) and they are an amazing group of people.

I did discover that I can have almond butter. Whats even better is I fucking love it. I was never a huge peanut butter eater but it fills me up so I was looking for something comparable. I just ate bananas and almond butter and it was amazing. I’m going to have to buy it in bulk. It’s so good.

The only real big thing that is becoming an issue is the headaches. I am a heavy soda drinker. I’m a gamer. Mt. Dew fuels us. I have not found a carbonated beverage that is approved yet and aside from black coffee and tea, i’m not sure if I can have caffeine. So my body is going through a withdrawal. But it will be worth it in the end. Between this and the gym I am already sleeping better and waking up better. I never slept through the night before and I am now. It is pretty incredible.

If you have tried this, done it, want to it, are in the process of doing it, I aplaud you. It is not easy. But it is so worth it. If you’ve have never heard about it, I’d love to chat. I’m still learning and I love to research new things so I’m filling my brain up with tons of knowledge.

My whole goal is, after the 30 days, I want my taste buds to have changed. I want to stop craving all the sweets and be more in the habit of eating clean. Not making every day a cheat day and only cheating on weekends, or special occasions. I will be adding dairy back though once this is over. Because that shits ridiculous. I need my coffee. I can use a non dairy creamer but I can’t sweeten it. Which is still pretty bad.

All in all this has been positive. I have had an unbelievable about of support. People know how I have struggled with weight and self image and the love that is pouring in is amazing.

Let’s Talk About The Gym

Raise your hand if you constantly make plans to start working out again and then that motivation lasts about a week. You too? Okay good I’m not alone. I’m praying this time is different. You will notice I very rarely post pictures of myself unless I am in some way hiding with my head in my horses neck, behind Jess’s head when we take pictures together, underneath my hat or hood. Pretty much anyway I can hide, I will. I am incredibly self conscious. I wouldn’t say that I am huge. But i’m definitely not small. I’m 5’3 and just over 200 lbs. Not to mention my chest is quite large. A lot of me weight is muscle. I don’t think I look that heavy. But I am definitely not little. And I’m not sure that’s what I want. I want to fit. Toned. Let’s be honest here: I want to be hot.

So I resigned up for the gym yesterday. $21 a month at Planet Fitness with full use of tanning (which I won’t do) hydro massage (which i most certainly cannot wait to do) and I can bring someone for free every day if I want. I’m really hoping I can get Jess to come with me. She hates gyms but so do I. I’m not going to stop trying. Neither of us are very healthy and we aren’t getting any younger. Now is the time to get a handle on it before we have health problems.

My Ipod of course decided to stop working this morning. So I had to do Cardio with no music which was absolute TORTURE. I find cardio to be boring regardless. But without blasting Hollywood Undead in my ear? Or Florida Georgia Line. Breaking Benjamin. Whoever. Yes I’ve got a huge variety in my music taste. It was boring. But I pushed through and made it to the machines.

My ex, Abby, is a huge fitness buff. She never wanted me to come with her even when I asked if I could so unfortunately I really don’t know what I’m doing at the gym. I always wanted her to teach me. It’d be like a personal trainer for free! But she didn’t like having to answer all my questions and slow down her routine for me. Which I guess I understand. I love teaching riding but if I only have time to ride my horse or teach i’m going to want to get my ride in without having to stop every 5 seconds. Anyways, she was not a huge fan of machines and only liked free weights. But I was never really taught much about free weights. So for now I’m sticking to the machines. Plus I am incredibly shy and nervous at the gym and sitting at the free weights seems like where the “elite” gym members are and I am not part of their club yet. You know who I mean. The group of guys that come in that are all in tight t-shirts or tank tops that all know each other and know what the hell their doing. I do my little leg presses on the machines and watch them, hoping someday I can be a member of their elite club. I need workout friends. My best friend loves to work out. And ride horses. And watch horror movies and eat pizza all day. She’d come to the gym with me every day and then go straight to the barn with me after. It would be awesome. But there is one problem. She moved to Florida two years ago. That jerk.

I call her a jerk at times over it but I do love her to death. Her parents bought a house out there for when they need to get away and her and her half sister live in it and take care of all the bills. It’s a pretty sweet deal for both of them. She told me before she moved that she was leaving and moving to Florida. It was right after she got back from a cruise so I didn’t really believe her. I mean, when I get back from vacation I absolutely want to move to wear I just was. Doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Fast forward a year and I am saying a tearful goodbye and watching her leave. She has flourished though. Florida was the best thing for her. But I still miss her like crazy. And I take pictures of all the snow and text them to her frequently. Although spring SHOULD be right around the corner. It’s only almost April after all.

So that’s my gym story that quickly turned into a story about my friend. Kinda how all my stories go. I am also going to be starting the Whole30 diet on the 1st. I am insane. But I’m ready to not look and feel like I do. I’m ready to start loving myself.12565595_10206974142884425_1027828513934227189_n

As you can see I am hiding here as well. And I have put on more weight since this was taken. But you get the idea.
















New Kitten!

We love animals in this house. All of us do. We used to have two senior cats, Naomi and Pandora. Pandora was in the family bounced from person to person for years. Naomi we rescued last year. They were gonna dump a 17 year old cat in a shelter and I couldn’t handle that thought. So we brought her home. Naomi had to be put down last month. We were all heartbroken, including our animals, but especially our cat Peanut. Then Pandora died a few weeks after. Talk about shitty luck. Poor peanut was devastated.

You see, we rescued Peanut as a 4 week old. My friend had found her litter on the side of the road. There mom had been hit by a car. So she took them home and posted on Facebook she had kittens to give away. We went up to get one and came home with Peanut. Peanut was very different from other kittens I had had in the past because she was not weaned. I had to feed her milk around the clock, we had to teach her to cover her poop in the litter box, to clean herself. We had to bathe her almost daily cause she couldn’t do it herself. Because of all of this, Peanut is a bit of a special case. She is very attached to us. More so than other cats. She was raised by us and our dog. Her and the dog are best friends. Naomi didn’t really care for her but Naomi had a long bushy tail that tempted Peanut to play with it all the time. They pretended to hate each other but occasionally I would catch the to of them sleeping in the sun together.

When we brought Naomi to be put down Peanut was a wreck. So was Dory. When we got home with an empty carrier they flipped out. I actually had to sleep out in the living room with the two of them that night they looked so sad. Well I didn’t actually have to. But I’m a big softy.

Now yesterday a friend of mine said she was trying to find a home for her friends kitten. Her landlord wouldn’t let her keep him. So I went to go pick him up after work. I didn’t tell Jess. I just told her I had a surprise for her. I got home and made her close her eyes and then put him in her lap. I thought she was gonna start crying. We know that Peanut needed a friend and this little guy needed a home. He’s a sweetie. He growls at Peanut and Dory but I don’t blame him. They are big and hes barely 2 lbs. Poor baby came to us covered in fleas though. Luckily he’s 9 weeks so he’s just old enough for flea treatment and we still had some kitten ones left that Peanut has outgrown.

I named him Dante after one of my favorite video games Devil May Cry. Yes I am a giant nerd but I am okay with that. Hes currently asleep on my chest purring away while my dog is conked out beside me. It has been a very long day but this ending makes it so worth it ❤29572291_10213828901569108_6551481398960414027_n He was growling at Dory here. Look how ferocious he is!

This Is Me

I have never seen The Greatest Showman (its on my list and of course when I wanted it I couldn’t find it in stores) but I am literally obsessed with this song. Every single word speaks right to me.

That being said, here is a full disclosure. I don’t have a “private” life. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m not ashamed to talk about my past. I can be very intense. But I am not sorry about it and I won’t apologize for who I am. I have no filter. If you piss me off expect me to tell you. If I see something and most people would keep their mouth shut, expect me to point it out.

I’ve been through Hell. Again, I make no apologies. Some days I’m on top of the world and other days I am huddled in a ball crying. Yay bi polar. Its fun, really. I get overly emotional for things I shouldn’t get emotional about. Death in the media? No tears. The fact that I accidentally caught a Possum in our trap baited for a cat yesterday? I cried when I saw how freaked out he looked cause I felt terrible. Am I a people person? No. Not in the slightest. How my wife and my friends deal with me I will never understand. It’s not a secret I can’t stand the human race. It’s full of a bunch of small minded assholes. I have always gotten along with animals better than people. All animals. I don’t really discriminate. Right now we have a horse, dog, cat, and 2 rats. I’m always looking for a new 4 legged friend to join the herd. I hope someday we can move to a house that has a lot of land. I want horses. And goats. Have you ever been around goats? They are fucking hilarious.

It has occurred to me how off topic I keep getting. And then I remember. This is my blog. I can do whatever and say whatever I want. That is pretty liberating. This has been an amazing outlet for me and it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet. I could write 500 words about sandwiches if I wanted. Fun fact: I grew up in a town called Sandwich. Yes kids constantly asked me if I lived in a sandwich. Actually, some still do. It wasn’t funny when I was 10 and it’s not now either. Although seeing cruisers that say “sandwich police” on them makes me giggle sometimes. I wish I could draw. I’d draw a comic of a PB&J sandwich getting handcuffed. Seriously.

My mind is ridiculous. I was just telling my wife yesterday that the inside of my mind is like a million little hamsters running on computers powered by a hamster wheel. Her response? “Are they eating tiny burritos?” Yup, match made in Heaven.

We are a very interesting couple. I met her at my last job (actually my previous job too since I’m there part time for a little while to help out). I was her boss. That was a fun conversation with my store manager. What’s even more fun is that we have the same name. So of course we have many nicknames. My favorite is Jess squared. We are both math nerds so that is fairly fitting.

She’s got a 9 year old son from her previous relationship. I’ve been in there life for 3 years now. Well I have known her longer than that but relationship wise, we just had our 3 year anniversary. We aren’t actually married yet but we call each other “wives” as does everyone else so it’s just easier. If I said fiance you may assume I was with a guy. And that’s just gross. No offense to my straight friends. I love you all.

Even though he is my step son I consider him mine. We get him on weekends, which royally blows but it is what it is. We are very close. He’s always been super close to me, ever since we met. We bonded over our mutual love of video games. I’m pretty much like a 10 year old boy at heart. I love video games, nerf guns, and running around in the mud. So we get along perfectly. Occasionally I have to play the mom card and actually punish him or yell but for the most part he’s a pretty good kid.

Wow I really got off topic huh. Didn’t I start this with talking about a song I like? Oy. Welcome to the way my mind works. This is me.